What if..?

by Mariana
(United States)

Dear C.T (Where Are You?)... I'm posting this so the whole world can see it even though I know you will probably never read it. It's been 4 months since we have talked... I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself anymore. I've been falling apart ever since. The worst part is that I don't know our situation anymore. Are we still together? Are we over..?

I really can't bear the thought of us being over because we had so many plans, so many jokes and so many smiles between us; I can't live like everyone else... I can't live aimlessly and not have a whole life planned out with someone I KNOW I love.

This is not just a "crush" anymore, I have loved you for 3 years. I met you when I was 13, I was in a relationship at that time so I lost contact with you because my boyfriend at the time did not want you in my life. That was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. Why did I let him take you from me? I'M SORRY, I'm such an idiot...

A week after that happened I realized my mistake, broke up with the guy and I tried looking for you. I couldn't find you, I left messages, went to places I thought you'd be, and sent texts but it was like you had disappeared off the face of the planet; I lost you when I was 14.

I probably made you feel the same when I left, so I deserve that. On my 15th birthday, I felt like staying in bed all day but my mom planned a party and when they all sang happy birthday I cried. You weren't there, I knew 9 days after my birthday was yours and I wouldn't be there...

Christmas time came around, all I wanted was to have you back... That's what I wanted for Christmas. Guess what? Christmas went by and I heard nothing from you, but a few days later, I got a call from a weird number, I didn't answer. I texted the number and asked who it was. It was you...

I dropped my phone because I wasn't expecting it. I called back and I said "please don't let this be a joke, tell me it's really you." and you were in shock too, because all you said was "I uh yeah..." I remember we talked all night that day, til 2 AM. You told me about how you moved, how you started trying to distract yourself from thinking about me, and how you had a girlfriend now... It SHATTERED my heart... But I didn't let you hear me cry.

You still KNEW it broke me because you kept saying "I can't get over you, I've tried forgetting, I've even started working to forget, nothing works, I love you." You broke up with her even after I told you to be happy. I'M SORRY, if I ruined a relationship with you just by being back in your life.

I made sure to tell you how much I love you this time around though, you did the same. It was like we just picked up right where we left off. Everything was going great! And then school ended, and we said that we'd stay up all night and talk every summer day. But that never happened... You left again, this time I don't know why.

Where are you? Please come home. I love you with all my heart. This is where I am now. I just need to know what is going on. But I start wondering what if you never come back? What if I have to start all over? I can't start over, I'm terrified of that. What if you met someone better? What if you forgot about me? What if something happened to you? What if you realized what a terrible person I am for all this and just left? What if you don't care anymore? I'M SORRY, because every time I think, I come up with a million new questions and suffer for not having any answer.

You are my best friend, my first love, STILL the guy I'm crazy about, and you're what my main thought is about everyday. I can't even look at another guy... You mean the entire world to me.

They say that "People who are meant to be together will always find their way back to each other. They make take detours in life, but they’re never lost." and it seems like we've taken some detours, but I really hope we find our way back to each other VERY soon because I miss you so much, my love.

You are the most amazing person I have ever met, and you know how they say people change? It's been 3 years. I want to marry you one day. "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." this quote is also remarkable, it is easily relatable in our situation.

We have found each other in the world again and again, why can't we just be together now? I love you. I'M SORRY, for anything I've done that hurt you. I know you will probably never read this... But I needed to get this all off my chest. I love you. I miss you. Please meet me on top of the world at midnight... <3
Sincerely, 
M.R (Lost Without You)