To A Gifted Woman, I'm Sorry.

by Brad

I've owed you an apology. I'm sorry that I gave you any reason to fear for your safety. It was wholly unintentional. For days, I couldn't conceive of what I had done that should have aroused such anger in you, and then it came to me. Here's what happened... On that day last summer, the counter on your homepage registered an alarming number of hits. All of those were mine.

My intention was to draw your attention to my homepage, where I had posted a message to you, a response to your final message to me. In my addled state, I saw myself as doing something akin to tossing pebbles at your window, hoping to draw you forth. While I held this naïve metaphor in my mind, I later came to realize that it must have seemed far more threatening to you, all of those hits coming from the faceless vastness of the Web.

After seeing the messages I had posted on that other forum, I imagine that you reached the logical and reasonable conclusion that I had compromised your privacy. I promise you: I hadn't. Your personal safety was my paramount concern as I crafted my message. It was completely anonymous regarding the addressee. There was no way anyone could have connected you or your homepage to my message; I made sure of that.

Besides, the number of hits on my homepage remained unchanged from just prior to my posting that message until after I deleted it. No one saw it. The message itself was a maudlin mess in which I accepted what you had written, wished you well, and said that I hoped we'd still have occasion to talk as we had done previously. It was a muddle and it's for the best that I deleted it unread.

There's more from that time for which I need to apologize. I'm sorry for my intrusiveness and presumptuousness. I'm sorry for not respecting your boundaries. I had no right to behave as I had.

I'm also sorry if my avoiding you and, until very recently, complete silence led you to believe that I held any resentments or grudges against you. That wasn't the case at all.

First, I assumed that I'd be the last person you'd want to see. Second, I just needed a time-out to sort through things for myself. It never occurred to me that you might have something further to say to me, or that you would have wanted me to explain my actions. I don't know if you do, but I want to acknowledge the possibility. I also acknowledge the possibility that this just doesn't matter to you, anymore.

So, that's it. I'm sorry for the hurt, fear, anger, and distress I had caused. You're one of the last people I'd ever want to hurt; I feel bad about how things were left. I continue to hold you in the highest regard. I've missed our conversations. I miss your light.

PS. I've taken some salsa classes. I'll be taking more.