The 27 Club

by Mstraye
(Indore)

Hey... Today I am writing. I feel like I have a lot to say and also it's time that I say it. I am honestly not very proud of how I am not able to deal whenever you are not doing well and need me.

It takes a lot of energy out of me to talk or actually find the zeal to talk. And even if I do find it, I lack the words to convey it. I don’t know why I take so long to articulate my thoughts and not speak until I am clear in my head.

I totally get how draining and extra effort it could be for you to get me talking. You might have wished for me to break some silences.I am sorry for all those times.

One thing I can talk about is how much I love you. And as you ask so often, “What are you thinking”, to which I am mostly closed up, I will try to just write down what goes on or has been going on in my head.

One, there’s remorse because of how I am not there for you as a rock. For not holding your hands at all times. For becoming clueless. For getting affected so much that it's you who is taking care of me instead, even when you needed care.

I can see everything. With such self-awareness comes a lot of guilt.

I worry about our future a lot. And the conversation we had about your ambitions had somehow stayed with me for a long time. And I started losing hope, not in our future, but in the happiness of our future, or particularly your happiness.

I thought about it and I think I have identified the problem in my perspective. So basically, in my head I have connected ambition/career/having something to do/being a little busy/getting to meet people/exposing yourself to the world and learning so many things/ etc all this and mental health/happiness very closely. So closely that I wasn’t able to imagine the second without the first.

That’s where I am probably wrong. And I want you happy. That’s the bottom line. So whenever I see you unhappy or struggling, the thought of that ambition thing strikes in my head again ki haan isi wajah se ho rha hai. Then I get restless that we aren’t doing much about it. Bla bla. All this is what hits me and I instantly turn low. Like a switched turned on.

But in the desperation of your happiness, I am forgetting to be there for you and actually make efforts to contribute to your happiness. I expect you to be happy when I should instead be trying to make you happy. At least sometimes.

I actually wasn’t going to talk about all this today, not just because it's your birthday but also because I didn’t feel ready to talk. Part I think it is kind of good only, you deserved an explanation from me. Because I left you wondering if this is a dealbreaker. I left you hanging. I am genuinely sorry.

I feel so much better after writing all this. My head was so clogged up. And while writing, I think I understand everything even more clearly than I had in my thoughts. Like taking a step back and looking at all of it as a third person and then we can clearly see where we are going wrong and what the real issues are. ‘I love you’ doesn’t even capture how much I love you.

I’ll tell you a story. Do you remember when we went to Rashi’s place and there was a moment where people wanted us to answer a relationship question like why are we with each other or something? Then the conversation broke, and we didn’t have to answer.

Had our chance come, I would have said she just gets me. Yeah, you get me like no one else ever can. At least it's beyond my imagination.

If I lose you, there are some things I will for life. Like there might be people who love me, but no one could love me like you do. Like that feeling of me needing some time to get used to your presence whenever I meet you after a long time.

By the way, that’s not like I am used to living alone and now you are here so I have to get used to it. Not that. But it's like I am so happy from the inside (as usual it doesn’t reflect outside that I am genuinely frozen in my head and I am thinking about you WHILE I AM WITH YOU).

I wish I showed my heart more often so you would know what you are to me. With a new year in your life, I wish we fall even more in love and you see a changed man in me. Someone you don’t have to be scared of. Someone you do not have to hesitate sharing stuff with, thinking they’d be mad, someone you can reach out for help more candidly and a lot more.

The letter is almost over. Take a moment. Maybe a glass of water.

I love you.

Let the words sink in. And believe in it. Because I love you more than anything else. And we’ll be happy ever after. As long as we are together, we’ll be. Okay bye.

Happy Birthday. :**
Come soon. I miss you so much and I am dying to see you. Cutie.