Sorry for my Anxiety and Depression

by C.
(New Jersey)

Dear Tom... I am sorry for being so scared and worried about the future. You are always so understanding and sweet enough to hear me out and have patience with my anxiety. I am trying so hard to not panic, to find other ways for handling stress and not burdening you with the occasional panic, but sometimes I cannot help it, and it becomes so hard to control...too hard control.

I am scared about all the uncertainty. I am scared because I want you in my future and we are both graduating soon. And I know that graduating could play a big part in our future together. I know you are dedicated, that we will do our best to stay together despite the unknowing of where we will find jobs or end up.

I applied to over a hundred jobs and have yet to have any luck. I'm scared that our love may not be enough to trump distance. And it's not because of you or your lack of loyalty or affection. But it's because I care about you too much to let you go. And it would break my heart to lose you.

You inspire me, you make me laugh even when I am so lost in my own thoughts or sad. You inspire my creativity and keep me going sometimes when I need a push. You make everyday more beautiful.

You will never see this letter (thank god) but I pledge my love to you and count down the days until we can have the apartment together we talk about, the yellow labrador, everything. And while I know marriage is not something either of us are ready for yet, I can see myself being with you for the rest of my life.

If you can forgive me for my bad days, for my panic attacks, for my occasional lapses of common reason, for the days when all I can do is cry, then I will spend every day showing you that it wasn't for nothing. I will continue to be there for you, and help you through your rough days too.

And I know that even if you saw this it wouldn't change anything, you will still call me, tell me you will see me in a few days and try to crack a joke. But I wish there was a way I could show you that I mean every word I write.

I love you with all my heart.