So Sorry for Lying
by Julia
I am deeply sorry for lying to the best people in my life, I was in over my head and didn't know how to pull myself out. I am so darn sorry for being a hard head and for not being the person that I was put on this earth to be.
I was so tired, so so tired, of the constant fight within myself, always seeking something else, something better, something new. The lies grew to the point that I didn't even know what the truth was anymore.
I don't want to be judged. We all make mistakes, some more than others, and I truly believe I fall into that latter category, but that is now in the past.
I think the lies stemmed from the fact that I always felt that something was missing for me, that I was missing someone who would truly understood me because I was unable to understand myself. It seems I needed someone to walk with me so that they could show me how to stand up to my insecurities and walk alongside anyone with my head held high.
The lies worked for a while and helped me delude myself into believing that I was fine and even great. I believed so strongly in the lies I told about myself that I truly felt as though I was the person I was portraying--and that became the biggest lie of them all, leading to my hitting rock bottom.
I am grateful for that because I am now able to see things more clearly and have learned to live in truth and compassion.
I have learned that the first person I need to show compassion for is myself, accepting my faults, trying as best as I can to improve on them, and forgiving myself when I fail. Once I accepted who I am and showed myself compassion and forgiveness I no longer needed to lie. It was so simple but so eluding for so many years.
It was never that I needed someone or something else to make myself whole or feel better that culminated in all that lying, just like in the Wizard of Oz, I had the power all along. And that power was to show myself the same compassion and caring that I often showed others.
It's a new day now and my days of lying, apologizing when caught and saying sorry umpteen times, are now gone. It was a vicious circle of lies and apologies that I will never go back to and have made amendments with many of those that I deceived along the way.
So I find myself here today, thinking how do you apologize for lying to those whose lives have touched mine and have been left worse off as result?
This is what I've come up with so far and being a work in progress I'm sure I will learn to do better but for now I'd like to offer this heartfelt apology.
Please accept this apology letter as a small gesture towards making things right again.
I am truly sorry for all the lies. My constant lying had nothing to do with any of you or our relationships. It was symptomatic of problems I was having with myself and I take full responsibility for the lies and not seeking the help I needed which manifested in them.
Although most of my lies were about myself, some were about others yet what they all had in common was that they were designed to make feel better about myself regardless of who got hurt as along as it wasn't me.
(As I write this I think about something I heard once which says...When you point a finger at another you are really pointing three other fingers at yourself...I never realized how true that is.)
I truly regret the hurt and pain I caused many of you and will never presume to know or understand how you must have felt.
If there is any way that I can make it up to you, please reach out to me. If not, I completely understand.
Julia
