So Many Regrets...

by Anonymous
(United States)

I'm one of those people who would love to say I have no regrets, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. It seems like my whole life for the past few years has been snowball effect of regrets, one after another. I'm sorry to myself, to the people who loved me, and to God.

I couldn't see through these overlapping addictions that I was once so spiritual and compassionate and sensitive to everyone around me, and even people I didn't know. I started hiding from that and for some reason felt the need to begin forcing all those overwhelming painful strings that hadn't been cut from my heart... force it down with whatever substance, or alternatively numb whatever I misconstrued to be pain with another substance.

I did things I never thought I would do, and I'm still paying for it now almost a year later. And to the two men in my life right now who seem to care about my presence in theirs... I know I'm hurting both of you without either of you really knowing what's going on.

I never should've stayed in this relationship this long with someone so greedy and reliant on someone like me who can barely rely on myself. But you still have feelings and I truly felt (and still feel) you. You are a truly beautiful person, but life takes its toll on all of us and things that should just be there to get us by sometimes end up making us bypass the important things, like loving and appreciating the person who has unfailingly been there for you.

I'm going to have to realize that I can no longer give my all to someone who would not likely do the same for me if the tables were turned.

And to you, the one who gets me and doesn't need anything from me but my love... I hope it can last and I hope we'll be just as intensely into this then as we are now. I've been hurt too many times to think in terms of "forever" and you know that. So I'll just think ahead to when I can see and touch you again.

You are the male counterpart I've wanted for so long. You verbalize the thoughts in my head before I even try to tell you what I'm thinking, or before you even ask. I don't think I've ever smiled so much in my life and felt the kind of silly butterflies in the stomach thing that kids feel when they have their first crush. I truly love you... and maybe we did get lucky in finding each other at this point in both of our lives.