Regret, Guilt and I'm Sorry

I will never let you go and find it difficult to even know where to begin. So I'll just list it all. I'm sorry for taking so much and never giving. I'm sorry for making you wait to date me. I'm sorry for not taking you to our prom and going with someone else, even though you were my boyfriend at the time. I'm sorry for always pushing you away and expecting you to come back.

I'm sorry for the unbelievable pain I caused you. I'm sorry for making you think I didn't care and that you never meant anything to me. I'm sorry for withdrawing from you because I was depressed. I'm sorry for never believing that you loved me.

But most of all, I'm so sorry for cutting you out like I did.

I was so consumed with my own pain, that I didn't even realize how much it must've hurt you. Over the past four years, I became so convinced that you were the one that rejected me and that if I had stayed, you would have left anyway. All I felt for the past four years was this rejection and anger towards you, when in reality all you did was love me.

Right after we broke up, they put me on a drug that elevated all my paranoid symptoms. This drug changed me and made it easy for me to keep you at a far distance. It made me justify punishing you like I did. Even just over a year ago when you almost gave me a second chance, I still managed to perceive rejection in everything that you did. Yet again I managed to push you away.

I'm sorry that you considered yourself an 'idiot' when we dated. I am so full of guilt and I cannot let it go. I doubt I will ever find someone to love me as purely and truly as you did. The worst part is that I loved you so much too, but I didn't realize the severity of my brokenness. I didn't realize how much it skewed my reality. I constantly felt overwhelmed by my emotions that were in response to this error in perception.

I don't know that I will ever be able to recover from this guilt and regret.