My Great Regret

by Dustin W.
(Springfield, MO)

Mikka S., out of respect for your privacy, I won't post your last name. I'm writing this today to say I'm sorry. You may never see this apology and even if you do, it will probably mean nothing to you. That's okay. I don't need, want, or expect anything from this. I guess this is me just finally doing the right thing and properly apologizing to you for my past actions.

I won't go into a bunch of detail about who I am, the world doesn't need the backstory of all this, I'll just give you context.

We were childhood friends, you moved, we lost touch. We reconnected on Facebook in 09 or 10, then moved to talking mostly on the phone. It was what should've been a new beginning for a long time friendship but thanks to me, I blew it up.

At one point, I said some horrible things to you all those years ago, selfish things you didn't need to hear. We were young and you clearly weren't having the easiest time at that point, maybe your home circumstances weren't great or maybe you were struggling personally.

I selfishly didn't see that, and made it all about me.

I was stupid and decided to blow everything up, rather than just talk to you and see how I could help, if at all.

I was critical of you and your life at the time, I said some horrible things, then cut ties. I blocked you on everything, thinking I was somehow improving my life by cutting you out.

I thought maybe you were toxic but almost immediately, I came to realize that I was the toxic one.

Your mother called me, your friends called me and threatened me. I deserved it. I deserved all of it.

I'm sorry if I impacted your life negatively or worsened what you were going through. If I did, I accept responsibility and I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

It's been so long, I can't remember exactly all that I said and maybe you can't either. Or worse yet, maybe you remember everything. I hope not, but if that's the case, I'm sorry again.

Regardless, I'm sure you've long since moved on and had a wonderful life filled with wonderful people.

It's none of my business, but I hope so.

It's been so many years and I've wanted to apologize for so long and never could, not a year has gone by where I haven't thought about what I said/did.

Yes, we were still young at the time and I was young and stupid, but that's no excuse. I was just being cruel.

I've never forgiven myself, it's my greatest regret in life.

It's haunted me for years, ten long years, and maybe that's exactly what I deserved. If so, that's okay. It's not about me, it's about finally saying what I've wanted to say to you for years and finally saying just how sorry I am for everything.

I'm sorry for saying what I said, I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend, I'm sorry I let you down.

On the off chance you do see this somehow, I hope the years have been kind to you and that you're doing well, wherever you are.

I wish you nothing but the best and I hope life is good to you and your family. That's what you deserve, truly.

Sincerely

D.