My Best Friend, I'm So Sorry

by Emmie
(South Dakota)

I know I made it seem like what I said was your fault, but it was never your fault. I was lying to myself and it was easier to blame you than to realize that. I was scared and I missed what our friend group used to be. It was easier to blame you than to accept what I did. Then I went and tried to make excuses for it and I'm sorry.

I should have accepted what I did instead of lying. I knew what I did, I just didn't want to accept that I did it. It was such a cruel thing to say, and I'm so so sorry.

I can't believe I did that because it wasn't true and I knew that.

You mean a lot to me, more than you can know. You never hated me, and you always forgave, no matter what I did. All those cruel things I said, things that most people wouldn't ever forgive me for. You did.

I tried to make excuses, I tried to lie to cover it up. It was a mistake, and I'm sorry that I put you through that and I'm really sorry that you have to go through that again now.

Friends aren't supposed to do this to friends. Best friends aren't supposed to do what I did to you. Best friends aren't supposed to do what Soph did to us.

Best friends are supposed to be there for each other when other people and friends do this kinda thing to them. They aren't supposed to be the ones hurting each other and stabbing each other in the back.

They aren't supposed to lie and cheat and be mean and betray each other. That's what boys do. Best friends are the ones who are supposed to comfort each other.

I'm really sorry that I didn't do that for you that day in fourth (or was it fifth?) grade. I'm sorry I was the one hurting you.

I realize what I did and how much it must have hurt now because now I know how it makes you feel. When I saw what Soph had said I felt like my whole world came crashing down around me.

I keep apologizing because I was completely in the wrong to be so inconsiderate and act like I did. I wasn't the friend I should have been, and I don't want to lose you because I think you're worth holding on to.

I don't know why I would ever say what I said, because you were the friend I wanted to have until the end, and I hurt you.

Even after that, when you could have hated me and been mad at me and done something like what I did, stab me in the back like I did to you, you always made me feel better when I had a bad day, or week.

You were one of the few who could do that, and I'm sorry I hurt you. It's really hard for me to accept why I did that.

But I think I've finally done it.

I said that to suck up to Eloise even when I should have been on your side. I did it so that I could make her think she was my best friend.

I hate myself for saying what I did, and if I could, I would take it back.

I would tell her, every time she complained about you to me (yes, she did do that multiple times, but don't tell her) that you were the best friend I could ever hope for. Because you were, and you are. And I hope you will always be, because I don't know what I would do without you.

Every time she called you jealous, instead of staying silent, I would tell her that she was the jealous one, because you always accept what happens. You don't bring things back up like she does. You don't hate on people behind their backs just because of one thing they did.

You forgive them (usually) and you accept it.

I don't want to lose you, like I should have that day. You mean so much to me and I hope you know how sorry I am for what I said, because it was wrong and mean and the timing made it worse.

I'm so glad that you don't hate me for it like you could have, and I hope that I never make that mistake again, because now I know how it feels to be stabbed in the back by one of the people you trust the most.

It hurts so much, and I want you to know that I am trying my best to be here for you and that I want what is best for you.

I hope that I will never make the mistake I did again.

I want you to know that when I accepted what I did today, I started crying because I was a horrible person. I did such a horrible thing and I'm so so sorry.

I love you so much.