Letter to Kyvone, I'm sorry

by Adrienne
(Detroit, MI)

To the guy I hurt foolishly with painful regret... Dear Kyvone, since our split-up I have realized what I had done, what I had said, and what I didn't do to cause us to fall out. I was supposed to be the more mature girlfriend in our then relationship, but, sadly, those last months of our relationship I made terrible mistakes that made you seem I can't handle a serious relationship. An Indeed I made stupid actions to ruin what I had with the most wonderful guy. Every night I sleep I can't help but feel the pain I caused to you and myself.

First, I apologize for getting mad over being told from you that I needed to learn where I live. I didn't stay at the address for so long so I didn't know how to get back there. I felt like you think I didn't know anything. Still, it was no excuse for me to cross my legs and fold my arms and move to a different seat. Not only was it petty, but, really childish.

I was stupid for just getting up and stomping out of the movie room like that. I was also stupid for crying when you were trying to talk to me. I felt bad for making you sad enough to cry. I did all that in a public place.

At the end of the day I was very immature and acted very child-like for my age. It showed that I was being unprofessional. I did get you very angry which caused you to yell which caused you to drag us home. I'm both very ashamed and disappointed in myself for the way I was.

What I should had done was told you that I didn't stay at the apartment for so long so I didn't know how to get back home, that, and I'm not good with directions. Most importantly, I should had brush it off and think about how my actions will affect both you and I.

Second, I apologized for not being grown enough to admit to you that I was wrong for my behavior; I was too stubborn not to realize who was the one that got very upset over small, meaningless things to create a scene that result in nothing but, shame and embarrassment.

You were the bigger person who admitted that you were wrong. I hung my head down in guilt.

Third, I apologized for bringing it up once more after we both made up with hugs and kisses the next morning. That incident was still fresh and I was still upset over what happened which made me frustrated. I didn't mean to bring it up once more in the aftermath. Mostly, I didn't mean to make you feel tired of me for the poor things I did. When I looked at you, your face read “call it quits because I give up". I felt awful for my sudden outburst.

What I should had said was "Can we please talk about what happen yesterday because it is bothering me" in a mature manner. I also should have said "I was wrong for acting the way I did at the movies and make you feel like you were with a little kid, I take the responsibility of my solo actions".

Another thing I want to give back is the things I did for the last couple of months when we were together that I realize I didn't change about: I'm sorry for starting half of the arguments; There are times when I wanted to talk to you on the phone when I was in college.

We didn't talk much, at first I thought it was because you just didn't want to talk with me, but, then it was because you wanted me to concentrate on school so I can do well. I'm sorry for not realizing it sooner. I also wanted to see you for the holidays and your birthday.

I was eager to spend those days with you, but, I couldn't because you were over your relative's house, plus you didn't have a car. I was too stubborn to understand the situation. Yes, I did take it out on you and I shouldn't have because it wasn't your fault.

I should had said "I understand, I'll see you next time" and leave it at that. I apologize for not listening one hundred percent about how I should understand situations that either out of your control or the certain things I did that were uncomfortable to you.

I should had asked questions like" what is it the thing I do that you don't like so I'll be very careful next time?" You told me more than once. This time it was my fault for listening fifty percent of the time instead of one hundred percent. You shouldn't have to asked me, I was supposed to be respectful to your feelings automatically.

It hurts me to hear your cry because of my ignorance; I didn't think fully about what I said and how will this make you feel. My heart stings when you cry. I know how sensitive your feelings are, I know how tired you are when you have to get your voice to be heard when you need your respect.

I punch at myself for not thinking. While you respected mines I only did half of yours. I'm such an idiot for doing it.

You told me of your old girlfriends treated you wrong and arguments happened all the time. It was my job to do better, not doing the same actions, yet I did half of them: started half the argument over nothing, act immature on our date, and worse not admitting my responsibility for my wrongness earlier.

I did put stress on you, I made it worse for you, making you feel that no girl will respect you better. I'm a fool for what I did.

Your old girlfriend kept bringing up old boyfriends that were better than you, said mean things about your brother. She made you seem like you were not good enough.

That was really child-like and cruel especially about your brother. I would never say any of these things to you; I would never go so far because two wrongs don't make a right and it would hurt.

I helped you to leave her alone for good so she wouldn't make you feel low as person and not put yourself in trouble. You came to me crying because she made you miserable and I told you to come down, take deep breaths and just act like she was never there. The tips I gave you did work. At the end you were happy.

Over the summer I tried to give you the proper apology you deserve because I felt bad for the way I was acting towards you and the pain you felt. I wanted to work out the problem.

Yes, I did yell and went off because you avoided me, never reply to my messages or calls. Its because you think I won't change my behavior and continue to do things to make you upset. I didn't mean to talk over you, it was too much going on which lead to an ugly phone conversation.

I did undo the things I did wrong and planned to make it up to you for good. You didn't believe me, but, I truly did. Kyvone, I did listen to what actions I needed to stop doing.

After talking to a counselor for the first time in my life, I both worked out my issues with her and went over with her what I need to do in certain situations, How should I handle it adult-wise, stop and think to ask myself "is it worth getting mad?", mostly, talk and ask you how you feel about it? I learned much from her. I prayed at church wishing for forgiveness.

The person you met at Meijer is still here strongly to prove the poor behavior has ceased for good.

You will get my full undivided attention, I will understand fully of certain circumstances and leave it alone for good. If I'm troubled by something, then I will talk to you calmly and ask for cheer-ups.

I want to take away the stress I put on you and be more considerate of you as well to make you comfortable around me once more.

You are a really good boyfriend; you did nothing but be nice, considerate, caring and sweet. You always did the right thing. You were different from other guys/boyfriends when I met you. You made me feel better and happy. I wish you feel better from therapy.

You just want someone to do the same. I would do anything to fight for last chance, if I'm given one. You're a great guy worth saving. I love you the same.