It was all my fault

by C. Wong

Dear H. Kong... It was 7 months since I last met you. We didn't talk at all that night when I was about to leave. I couldn't sleep because the cab was to pick me up at 4am and you fell asleep after some time. I could see that you were really exhausted. I felt so thankful for your kindness taking care of me during my stay in London and extremely guilty for troubling you.

I woke you up when the cab driver called me when he had arrived. With your sleepy eyes you got up immediately and sent me out of your hostel.

You bid me goodbye and turned away. It was strange for me because usually you would have asked me to let you know once I had arrived.

I walked to the cab quickly and I just couldn't stop thinking about you. You were really calm that night when I was about to leave. You did not show any signs that you were unwilling to be apart.

After I arrived at the airport, the first thing I did was to look for a WiFi connection so that I could contact you.

Surprisingly, you sent me a few long messages when I thought that you would've been sleeping already. From what I know, you had early classes in a few hours time.

I had a mini heart attack and my heart sank to the very bottom when I saw the sentence 'LET'S NOT CONTACT EACH OTHER ANYMORE, FOREVER.' You said that you would forget me from this moment onwards.

I felt really cold all of a sudden and started shivering and I did my very best to hold my tears back. The other passengers sitting around me started to ask if I was okay but I just couldn't talk.

I tried to explain and apologise but I knew it just wouldn't work.

You will never, ever accept apologies from people who've betrayed you. I knew it since the very beginning.

I was in a panic the time so I couldn't really remember what I had said but I do remembered one sentence: 'Please forget me completely. But promise me one thing, if we ever meet again someday in the future, I will introduce myself to you again and please know me again as a stranger. I promise to you that I would live my life all over again like a newborn'.

You didn't promise me. But its okay. Who knows if we'll have the chance to meet again or not. There are so many people in this world who were unable to see each other for the rest of their lives after a 'goodbye' was said.

I have wasted all my luck just to know you, be friends with you, and admire you. And I know, everything's over now.

Back to 2011, when I first met you on January in school. You were so mean that I almost hated you. I know you were being straight-forward but it was just... mean.

After some time, I started to learn that you have high expectations for yourself and perhaps that's your unique personality. I started to like being friends with you even though I was not sure if I was on your 'friends list'.

I'm someone who is strongly in lack of self-confidence and you were surrounded by the 'top students'. They were the prettiest, richest, most fashionable, and absolutely smartest in the batch.

While me? I tried to fit in, but there would never be a space for a loser like me.

I made your friends mad without noticing. I made mistakes which I didn't even know were mistakes. Well, I'm just not that smart after all.

In those school days, I was always by your side, trying to do what I could as a friend. And you were someone who defends yourself strongly. You'll never let someone enter your heart easily. But day after day, you started to treat me like a friend and help me whenever you could.

You called me on my birthday on 2011, wishing me Happy Birthday and you said that you liked me. I was shocked but I had to pretend that nothing happened. I knew that you were kidding, or maybe you had taken some drinks.

The fact is, I couldn't sleep the whole night after the call.

We were really weird friends. You are someone who is full of confidence and you would always be the one who helped me, someone who lacks confidence and constantly tries your patience by making trouble.

You never gave up on me. At least not from what I knew.

The closer we got, the more confused I was. I started to confuse myself at the line between friends and lovers. I often expected you as more than a friend.

We quarreled a lot. Like, basically most of the time. I never got jealous with my ex. Why should I? BUT, I always got jealous when you talked to the other girls, like literally.

Of course I couldn't let you know that I was jealous, so I used the other way around - by quarreling with you. I bet you will never understand why I would behave that way.

I cried, shouted, screamed at you like a little girl but you have never failed to cheer me up. You always figured out how to make me smile again. Despite my wayward behaviour, you have never given up on me. We argue over every tiny little detail just because you care about me. But, you've spoiled me in a way that I can't live without you.

But I have always forgotten something. That you were just my friend. You do get tired dealing with my troublesome behaviour. You do get sick of me for being such a burden for you. You were just a friend, not someone to take care of a kid like me.

When I got mad at you I would tell my own friends. I know that it was not right, but I just couldn't help it.

You don't belong to me. I should have known that.

Before you left, you gave me advice that I should always bear in my mind. You asked me to love myself more, to respect myself, to be with someone who loves me...

After you left, things didn't get better.

I cried continuously everyday for a month, except the time when I was sleeping. I started to give up on my life by living like trash. I failed my reports. I made lecturers hate me and they screwed up my life.

I started to live in my own world. I stopped contacting people. I left my phone alone.

The only people whom I talked with was my family. Some of my friends even wondered if I was still alive. My guilt increased day by day. I used so many different ways to get over you. I tried to hate you, forget you, but none of it worked.

You can get another friend like me in a second, but I will never know someone like you again for the rest of my life.

I struggled to live again. It's hard but I'll try.

I hope and pray for the best for you. You are a really smart person. I know you are going to be a successful man someday.

Please forget me and live your life happily with your perfect soulmate.

I wondered if you remember that you sang a Korean song when we went to the KTV. 'I will back off so that you can live better'. This was the title of the song.

This is also my last sentence for you.

Thank you and sorry.

Sincere apologies,
C. Wong