I will always miss you

I am sorry for sending this to you. I know you don’t want to hear from me, but I haven’t been able to eat for days, and a real professional person told me I should try sending this, for my own health. I would love to have done this in person, but sadly that is not possible.

I know that I apologize a lot, and so just saying "I'm sorry" probably doesn't mean as much as it should. So I wrote this out to apologize. As I say throughout it, I understand if you can't forgive me now or ever. I just needed to try. I needed to know that, if something ever happened to one of us, I told you how much I cared about you.

I understand that what I did was painful because I both lashed out at you and put a personality trait on you that I know you do not have. I did not realize how much it would hurt you. Is there anything else I have done that I did not write here?

If you cannot be friends with me anymore, I understand. I know that what I did was terrible and you might not be able to get past that. Even if you are able to be friends, I know that it may take time and a lot of work on my part for you to understand how sorry I am, and for you to be able to trust me. I am very willing to put in that time, if you now, or ever, want to try. Also, if you have anything else you wanted to reiterate or elaborate upon, go for it.

I was looking at a list of the important things to tell someone when you apologize so they know you aren’t just saying it, and when it was saying to clarify what happened, one of the options was "mistaken calculation of costs and benefits." I probably would have just said mistake at first, but I think this works better.

I did not know what I said was going to hurt you this much at all. Also, I truly was upset about what you said because I clearly did not think outside of the direct words I read to who was saying them.

I should have been kinder, and, if I needed to reply to it, just said that I wanted clarification on what you meant by that. I thought the cost would be negligible and I would feel better, but rather the cost was one of the biggest I will ever have to pay if this is the end of our friendship, and I got no benefit because once I sent it I knew it was a mistake.

I heard my phone get a text at 8am and really didn't want it to be from you because I didn't want you to have ever seen my message. I burned some bridges last night. I was taking my own feelings about my relapse out on other people, and nobody deserved that, especially you.

It's not an excuse; I made the choice to react emotionally. It's just some context that could possibly help you understand how this would not occur again. I would love eventual forgiveness, but this isn't about me, so, if that is not what is healthy for you, that's what really matters.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now, because it's just a combination of guilt, sadness, and so much regret. I just threw away one of my best friendships because I wasn't thinking. You've given me so many chances, and I probably don't deserve any more. But if you can ever find it in your heart to let me try again, I will be so grateful.

I reacted poorly because I was not thinking. If I was ever upset with a text or written message again, I would ask for clarification on the meaning before I said anything, because I am sure that if you have upset me it was unintentional. Besides, then I wouldn't be in pain from what I thought, and I wouldn't have to cause you pain.

Even if it won't be with us, it's a painful lesson, but one I can take to all of my relationships. I also have some concrete ways (ex. Starting to use a diary card so I can keep track of where my emotions are, and how I should interact with people) that I think will help me be a better friend.

I don't expect you to ever forgive me, but I will always be here if you can. I really hope that what I have done hasn't caused any lasting pain, even without me in your life.

I really do care about you immensely, and hope that someday I can prove that to you again, but I understand that you need to be one of the most forgiving people in the world to let me do that, and you would be risking pain, because I have caused that a lot.