How To Forgive Myself For Love Lost

by Cuddlefish

I thought I was being brave and strong when I left you. It took me literally years to realize that all this time I was blinded by fear and anger, not as logical as I have been convincing myself I was. Throughout our time together I have found out what love really is and what it is like to think, feel and function as one with a completely unique individual. I have meant it when I said that I loved you more than anything in this miserable world.

Now I know what love truly is though the loss of it. I suppose that's how it usually works. Love in its purest form is peace and warmth... without fear, jealousy, desire to spend every moment together, needing each-other, without any doubt of the feelings of the other or uncertainty.

It just is and thrives on the knowledge of the simple existence of the loved one.

I experienced you, dear, as a warm glow inside my heart, without shape or face, just as a strange essence of safety and happiness.

I've suffered and I suffer still, but to my surprise I have survived and found more of myself, or at least what I think I am.

I've been so angry and in my anger wanted to make you suffer, shifting the blame completely onto you, and in this way completely excusing my own cruelty.

I tried to hurt you and most likely did--for this I will never forgive myself. In spite of what I've said, you have done nothing wrong, in fact, you have always been perfect. I am not your savior and am not what bettered you. You have always come out cleaner out of the ashes completely on your own.

I can never say this to you without you growing suspicious of my motives. But I love you with my entire being and will never stop silently begging for your forgiveness, having none for myself.

I want to forgive myself, but I don't think I deserve to. We were too proud to fix this in time, and you weren't the child and a coward--I was.

I loved you more everyday and it was paradise, it is only fair for me to spend just as much time in hell. Knowing what I know and feeling what I have felt, I would do it all again, even if every second of happiness was replaced by three times as much torment.

I adored you since the very first time I laid eyes upon you, yet that was nothing compared for what I will always feel for you.

I might never be able to apologize enough, muffin. I hope with all my heart to someday forgive myself.