Broken Pieces

by Toledo
(Arizona)

Dear Anthony, before I go on I hope that one day you will read this apology letter. When I first met you I was only 19 and you were 21. I am now 28 and you're 30. We met each other working at Macys, you were just a friend then. I wasn't looking for love at the time just helping my family with paying the bills. We didn't see each other often at the beginning, but when I did I made sure I said hi. The more I saw you the more my heart felt something towards you I never felt before.

I am an extremely shy person, bashful towards everyone I met, but you..

You are such a character, your personality will make everyone fall in love with you (even guys) literally. I guess I can say I started to fall for you after we hung out for the first time (I fell in love way too fast).

I've never loved anyone before, this was something new to me. It was the fall of 2010. At first we were unsure if we should be something so you took your time to figure things out.

I remember you telling me you didn't do the whole girlfriend thing but you ended up falling in love with me.

The first couple of years of our relationship has been the most memorable times of my life. You took me to Cali for the first time, saw the ocean for the first time even riding a roller coaster!

Throughout the years we got more and more comfortable with each other talked about and expressed ourselves about almost everything to the point we kinda revealed a little too much. The more comfortable we got the arguments started to happen. This is where I want to express my apologies for everything I put us through.

The fact that I am shy is because my whole life I have been bullied by people who I thought cared about me, thought were my friends so I always hung out by myself in school.

High school was the worst time of my life, I got bullied so bad I ended ditching school, this took away so much of my learning opportunity. I am not a bright person.

Anyways what I'm trying to point out is that the last couple years starting when I got pregnant with our son things seemed to go downhill from there. Those were the first time you verbally abused me. I never thought I'd hear those words coming from you.

The reason you went off on me (and still do) is because of my decision making on everything. I don't know what it is with me and my thinking I seem to forget a lot of things. The older we got the more we expected a lot from each other, you became so much more mature and made me feel like I had to be on your level.

I tried so hard to become the women you always wanted, but I became so focused on that women I was trying to become that I forgot what your needs were.

I then started to realize who I really was? I became depressed because our arguments started to get worse, you saying things like I will never become the women you want, you threatened me with my biggest fear, leaving me finding someone who is better than me.

You never cheated on me, you just say those things so I can get my s**t together. I have realized that my depression, bashfulness, decision making placed us in a bad spot financially. I never wanted for you and our son to struggle we barely make ends meet sometimes.

I feel like I am lost with life, like is this where I want to be? I feel like I'm stuck in a teenager mind. I'm trying to figure myself out. I don't feel mature enough for him, or look like a grown up women or a mom.

My mind just over thinks everything, I drive myself crazy which drives him crazy. My biggest fear is losing you, all the apologies I've given you doesn't seem to matter anymore so it's hard for me to say sorry cause I know you won't care anymore.

I feel like I've turned you into a emotionless person towards me. I feel you drifting little by little, what can I do to make you stay?

We haven't talked to each other for 3 days now since our last argument, it's like we live in silence. I don't want our son to see us like this. I miss the laughter, watching you play video games, holding each other at night.

Everyone seems to make you happy but me, the one you love is causing you the most pain and unhappiness.

Anthony I am sorry I am this way but I just don't know how to get rid of the depression. It's taking over my mind and it's taking over our relationship.

If anything ever happens to us I just want you to know that I will always love you and that you will ALWAYS have a place in my heart.