Because I Hurt Him

by Cheyenne
(PA)

On our first New Years together, I messed up...

I've been through a lot in my past. I was raped and abused multiple times. I thought I had gotten past it, but a few nights before new years I was felt up in a way I didn't appreciate and it brought back all those memories and feelings of weakness, helplessness, guilt, and inadequacy.

On New Years, my boyfriend and I had been drinking and talking about our past. With all those emotions still in my mind, I lost control of myself and I got jealous and angry. I took the feelings I had about others out on him. It was wrong because he's everything to me that no one has ever been.

I tried to explain how I felt and why, but he believes that the past is the past and that's where it should stay.

It's not that I disagree, but it isn't so easy.

I've made him his favorite cheesecake. I'm going to play The Good Stuff by Kenny Chesney and tell him that I don't want to miss out on the good stuff because of all the bad stuff I've been through. I've bought a hundred Bandaids to write I'm Sorry on because I hurt him and all I want is to make it better.

Comments for Because I Hurt Him

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You both need to forgive
by: Marjorie

You're right that you shouldn't lash out at him due to the hurt and pain brought on by others. The fact that you are aware of that is important and shows that you are healing from your past and growing as a person.

On the other hand, your boyfriend needs to understand that rape and abuse are not things that should(or can)be buried away in the past. They are serious events that have an impact on our life and he needs to show compassion for what you've been through and how it may affect your behavior at times.

You need to have a discussion with him when all is calm and outside of any argument and get him to understand the seriousness of the events that have taken place in your life and that although you try to keep it in the past, as you said, "it's not that easy." And that's OK and perfectly normal. We try our best in life but the choices we make and the actions we take can't help but be influenced by our past experiences.

Again, the fact that you realized why you behaved as you did, is so important to your healing. You are only human and you are doing your best(better than many)and those that you surround yourself with need to understand that and respect you for it.

You are a wise lady and so very right when you wrote..."I don't want to miss out on the good stuff because of all the bad stuff I've been through."

For give yourselves and forgive each other and love will bloom.

PS. Love your Band-Aid idea :)

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