Apology To My Son

by Lisa Rigg

To my Dear son Jeff... I want to apologize to you from the depths of my soul for how my actions became so totally out of control, resulting in tremendous hurt to you and Kyle. I was making horrible choices and heading down a path of selfish self-destruction that ultimately cost me everyone and everything I had in my life, most importantly you and Kyle. I was abusing my prescription medications (mainly Ritalin) in huge amounts, and other times drinking in excess which led me to a three month jail sentence that I am certainly not proud of as a mother.

I didn't want you to see me in the condition I was spiraling into and I isolated myself from you. Not because I do not love you with every fiber of my being, but I thought in some sick twisted way I was protecting you, and also hiding from you how bad my problem really was I fully admit. I managed to drive you away in the process without intending to.

You have every right to be angry at me and very hurt. I take total responsibility for all of my behavior and believe me I have had over a year all alone with only my thoughts and absolute feelings of remorse and regret for everything I did, starting back when you were about 9 with my infidelities and staying gone from home for days at a time.

Thank God Louise was there for you and she loved you just as if you were her own flesh and blood when I chose to be absent. The guilt I feel over this cannot even be put into words. That was precious time I wasted away when I should have been with you and Kyle and Louise. God I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, but this is real life and that is not possible.

I didn't start the Ritalin abuse (and I was crushing and snorting it) until 2008 when I started going to Mexico to purchase ridiculously large amounts of it. That's when the violent and aggressive and out-of-control behavior began and finally ended me in the mental institution for the criminally insane for a night and my Psychiatrist said I was actually in a Psychosis. I never told him how much Ritalin I was taking.

I will never forget when you were standing in your bedroom door at the El Cajon house and you told me "I don't like who you've become!" You were absolutely right, and I was so far-gone I didn't even realize how I was changing in horrible ways mentally, physically and spiritually.

I NEVER, EVER stopped loving you though, and I love you now and miss you so much it hurts, and it tears me up to know how I broke your heart and lost your trust.

I will love you for as long as I live Jeff even if you hate me. My love for my first-born baby is special and unconditional. I hope you are happy in your marriage to Tawny, and I wish you much love and an exciting life together. She's a very wonderful young woman and I am very proud of you both.

It was unfortunate for everyone involved that day that my friend who was helping me move(no lie) opened your bedroom door and violated your privacy.I don't think Tawny and I ever spoke after that.

I am so very sorry for everything and especially for not being there for you. They say that out of only true remorse comes the determination to better oneself from the experience and make a life change.

I can promise you that I am doing just that. I'm taking care of a lot of medical problems that I have been avoiding and doing a major attitude adjustment. I have mellowed out quite a bit. If there is any way you can find it in your heart to forgive me it would mean the world to me Jeff, but I understand and respect your decision if you can't.

In all honesty, when I was at my worst on Ritalin there are time periods that I cannot recall at all. There are probably far more things I've done that I may not remember and I would be more than willing to listen to you tell me, even if just to vent your anger, how much I hurt you and why.

I need to hear it from you, because the not knowing exactly which events I pulled that finally drove you away from me eats me up. That's up to you I know. Please take some time and think about it if you could.

I know "I'm sorry" will not fix anything or make it ok. I would hate for us to have no closure with this at all if anything was to happen. Again I am very proud of what a fine young man you have turned out to be (from the tidbits I hear) and I know you and your beautiful bride have a very exciting and successful life ahead of you. I have tears in my eyes of love and pride for you.

It's been almost a year and a half since I've seen you or heard from you. You are probably a very handsome young man now, no doubt. If I don't hear back from you please know that I love you from the deepest part of my soul and always will no matter what happens. I hope you're still playing your electric guitar and listening to good rock music.

I think about you every day and wonder and wonder what your life is like now.

I Love You so much ~ Mommy