Apology to Karen

by Brook
(Oklahoma City)

Dear Karen... I want you know just how sorry I am for what I did to you after our break up. For the treatment I subjected you to, and for creating in you, the hatred you now feel for me. I know you didn't want to hate me, and I know that it was I who caused it. I have always wanted to tell you this in person because I believe that respect and integrity is of the utmost importance.

But because I have done what I am about to apologize for, I'm sure that by now, a face to face apology is quite likely out of the question.

Given the chance though, I would, because you deserve it proper.

I was doing very well for the first couple of months after our break up, feeling good, hanging out, working out. I was doing things I wanted to do but couldn't before. I was actually pretty happy.

Then it came. I'm not sure exactly when or how, but I fell into a very deep depression. It kind of over-took me slowly. I wasn't even aware that that's what it was, until it started to lift. I do know that it was during this time, that I caused you much pain and anguish.

My incessant texts, phone calls, and emails were, to say the least, pathetic, needy, and completely uncharacteristic of me. I acted like a complete lunatic.

I am ashamed of myself for it, but I am not ashamed to admit it, or to take responsibility for it and apologize.

I had always before, felt quite content being alone.

I was in a very strange and unknown state for quite awhile and depression was like nothing I had ever known, or imagined it to be.

I had always thought that depression is something one can control from within one's own mind. I now stand experientially corrected. I have never been in an actual depression before. It was an experience that I wish to never go through again.

I know that I wasn't taking you or your feelings into consideration while this was going on. I was blinded by what was happening to me, and I couldn't see past my own nose.

I felt that you were the cure for what I was feeling. I know that this simply isn't true. I had made you responsible for my happiness and this was unfair of me to do.

The depression that I was going through turned me into something that I could not recognize, and didn't want to acknowledge. I have never gone through anything like that in my entire life.

I wish I could take it all back like it never happened, but I can't, so all I can do now is to give you the apology that I have owed to you for a very long time. It is a debt that I am happy to be able pay.

I realize what I have done. I have made a mockery of the memories that we both hold as to what was great about us, trampled them underfoot and replaced them with feelings of regret and sorrow.

I should have left you to move on in peace. Because I didn't, I am deeply sorry.

Despite all that we both had done that lead to the demise of our relationship, I have been able to salvage the memories of the enjoyment of our time. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive and do the same.

I make no excuses. I blame my actions on no one but myself. I'm sorry for what I have done by pestering you with nonsense, for the pain and anguish that I caused you to feel, and for not considering or respecting your feelings and wishes.

I want you to know that I do care about you and your happiness. I've left you alone. I am out of your life completely, and I will remain so.

I gave you my word as a gentleman, and I will stick by it.

I am not looking to reconcile or rekindle the love we had. I'm not asking for anything from you except forgiveness.

I would like though, to be considered by you someday, as a friend. I hope that someday the memories that you once enjoyed of us will make you smile and laugh again.

It is my solemn promise that I will never put you or anyone else through anything like that again. Although all I did was text, email and call, I know by me doing that, I did not allow you to move ahead in the manner that you deserved to and needed to be allowed to.

I know you were hurting also, and I didn't consider that. I was selfish and unfeeling. I never meant you any harm; emotionally or physically. I never followed you, never imposed myself on you with my presence. I never talked about you to your family or friends. I never showed up at your work. I knew that your life was your own and what you did was none of my business.

Your privacy was yours, and I never invaded it. While all this is true; I am deeply sorry for what I did do, and it is my hope that someday you can forgive me and allow your friendship to surface once again.

I have lost a great many things in my life, but losing my dignity, my sanity, and a wonderful friendship in the process, was indeed, a tough lesson learned.

I am fortunate to have been able to overcome my depression and pain. Although it did take a long time, I attribute that to the fact that during our time together, I was in fact, truly in love with you.

I was prepared to throw everything else out and give us the opportunity that you had yearned for, for years. I am sorry. I gave, what you always knew we should have, too late.

Please forgive me, have just a little compassion and understand that what you experienced through me after the break up was not me at all. It was something so foreign to whom you really know me to be.

Honestly, I'm just glad it's over.

I am sincerely, and truly sorry for the pain and anguish I caused for you, and this writing is my attempt to make right that which I had made wrong.

If there is anything in the world I can do to make it up to you; I will, and without hesitation. I know I can't change what has been done, but I hope you will accept this and know that what I can change is the future.

Please take care of yourself. I care a great deal about you. I will always be your friend, and will always have a kind mind for you.

Sincerely,

Brook