Apology To A Love Lost

by Mr S
(Ontario)

I don't even feel 'sorry' is the right word even though I feel horrible about the things I've done and words I've spoken. Maybe I'm too screwed up in the head, maybe my mental health, my addiction, my life, my trauma, my past, are all just too much for me to get over in order to be in a healthy relationship. My days are occupied with ideologies. When? How? Where? Would anybody know? Would anybody care?

I don't know what's more painful the thoughts or the fact that I just don't think anybody would care.

Part of me says you would be crushed, part of me thinks you would be relieved. As much as I want to answer that deep down I don't.

If I could take back one thing it'd be the first time you met me. If you wonder why, it's because if you never met me I wouldn't have been able to hurt you and cause you so much pain, heartache and trauma.

I'm sorry.

Since the 21st of February I've been looking at pictures of us and of you. Reading our text messages and going through old emails. I get it. Why you stuck around this long is beyond me.

You've made a reference to being jealous of me and being envious of me. Why? I sit at home alone wondering about life, crying and hating myself more and more with every breath.

I try to fight off those thoughts that run in my brain. Truth is I have been jealous of you since day one.

Sure I know a lot of people. Would they know if I went missing? Probably not.

Yeah I know people, maybe a lot of people, maybe people gravitate to me because of my personality but only one person has ever cared about me more than my family did.

I wish I could figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

I wish I could figure out why I just can't accept your love. I don't know why my brain just won't except things for what they are but instead overthink every simple little thing.

I wish I could hold you in my arms. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish I could see your face. I wish I could receive your text messages saying how's your day?

But instead I look at my phone which has become a reminder of how badly I screw things up. No matter what it is at life, I just seem to screw it up and unfortunately hurt everything and everyone in my path.

I don't know if you're ever going to read this. You say you read letters on here all the time.

If you do read this I hope you're doing okay. I hope you're reaching out to your contacts, your friends, and that you're staying safe.

I didn't get to see you on February 14th but I saw you on February 16th. In fact it was the last time I saw you.

I put together a little goodie bag for you just trying to let you know what you're appreciating I got one gift inside that bag specifically the one inside the shoe.

Just know that somebody sincerely and fully loves/d you.

Would have went to the moon and back, or taken a bullet for you. Just know that their is always somebody thinking about you and watching over you.

You are a special woman. A woman like no other.

I lost a great woman, the woman I wanted to marry, because I couldn't accept that she loved me as much as I loved her.

I just want you to know I'm sorry and I hope you find the happiness you truly deserve.

From the first kiss to the last breath you'll always be a bigger part of my heart then you will ever know.

Love always,

'The failure'