Apology Letter to Helen from Your Transgender Ex

by Tasha

Helen, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for every time you told me you loved me and I never said it back.

I'm sorry for never letting you know how much I loved you and what you meant to me. Maybe it's clearer now why I had to leave. I never had a relationship as serious before.

I would never let anyone get close, and even while we were together I tried to hold you at arm's length. I never wanted to hurt you and was scared that one day I would... and I did.

When the subject of children came up I had to run. It became clear that I had taken things too far with you and if I didn't do it now, it would only get harder. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. It turned out to be even harder than coming out as transgender.

I'm sorry for never telling you. I very nearly did many times. Even early on. But at that point I had never told any one. I could never be a father. I never thought I would transition back then, but even so. I couldn't play that role. I couldn't even face the possibility.

I'm sorry to have wasted a year of your life. I've had some updates from your friends and I'm so happy to know that you have moved on, and how far you have come since I last saw you.

You deserve every success and happiness.

I'm sorry for being scared. I'm sorry for never loving you the way you deserved. I'm sorry that I can't let you know this.