An Apology Letter to My First of Everything

by Nanyamka
(Georgia, USA)

Dear A.J.A. -- We were each other's first love. You were my first true friend and confidant. You wrote me beautiful heartfelt poems and letters. Each word moved me to fall deeper into the love you had for me, and helped me define what true love was like.

Although we came from 2 different worlds we were only 2 miles away, and yet found a way to touch each other mentally and physically. My love, although sheer in its expression, it was deeply embedded in my heart. Your love was most expressive in your action and the way you tenderly cared for me.

You were there to always pick up the pieces I sometimes would shatter into. When we'd fight it was never really a fight it was more about my fears and your courage that scared me. We walked through many fires and always came out unscathed by its disastrous smoke and flames. It was because God saw we needed help, and reached his hand in to save us.

So why am I here apologizing to you publicly? It's because I have to share my love and admiration for the first man I ever loved and cared for.

Although the pain I caused doesn't even allow you to talk to me. I have to let you know that it was never a lack of love or affection that caused me to walk the path that lead us to the end of our journey as husband and wife. Yet it was my medical fight with depression and manic episodes, better known as bipolar disorder.

Yes, I was diagnosis five years after our divorce, but should have been diagnosed when we went to Kaiser the first time I started having problems with depression, instead it was misdiagnosed as postpartum depression.

I can't really blame Kaiser for the misdiagnosis, because in 1998 there wasn't much information about identifying bipolar disorders. I kept having these manic episodes, followed by deep depression yearly and no one knew what it was that tormented me. Several neurological test and finally a medication and diagnosis that explained everything from my deep regretful past.

This disorder is common with people who have had a childhood like mine. I thought back to the age of 12 as the first manic episode I ever had, triggered by different abuse I experienced.

I deeply apologize for hurting you and me the way I did. You were my closest friend, my knight. This illness when un-diagnosed destroys everything in its path. My behavior was unchristian-like and disrespectful to our marriage bond.

I don't know if you have ever forgiven me, but please I beg for your forgiveness.

My apology is for you and your family. The true me would have never done such horrible things to the person I loved most in the world. The true me loved everything about you, the beauty that was you and me, was deeper than any ocean closer than any breath of air. We were deep, and I appreciate everything you taught me. I cherish all our good times and hold them deep in my heart. My regret is the pain you went through and the pain I inflicted upon myself and my small children.

I'm a better woman today. I'm happily married to an awesome man. I have beautiful children. I'm back in my religion, serving God whole-souled. I preach God's word for a living and am a house wife, while my husband works a secular job.

I still live in Georgia. I've made peace with my past mistakes. I've been able to apologize to everyone except you.

Although I know you are married and have a beautiful family of your own, which you deserve and I respect, I still felt it was important for you to know the truth. I want you to know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you and pray for your happiness.

I know you are a man with much knowledge and I know you will research for yourself about bipolar disorder type 2. I believe it will explain my every action back during those dark days.

Please except my apology and don't take my apology as an excuse, but it wasn't the true me. I'm now living a life that is for a gift of God.

Sincerely,

God's Gift Rewrapped