A letter To My First Love

by Nick M.

We were 16 when we first laid eyes, I never met someone like you before and afterwards. I was in love right then and there; I knew I could never escape it. I wanted you. I wanted to see your smile everyday of my life. You were the popular girl, the envy of everyone. You radiated with such beauty and charisma that anyone wanted to follow you.

I loved looking at you and fantasizing about holding your hand, caressing your face and slowly kissing you. I was the loner, the guy always dressed in black with dead eyes. We were opposites in every way but it did not matter, the sight of you made my heart sing.

One day at school I decided to confront my insecurities and engage you, I was nervous, the most nervous I’d ever been and probably will ever be. I walked up to you and asked you for your number. You gladly gave it to me. I felt ... everything.

I called you right after school and that was it, we became inseparable. Our chemistry was instantaneous, we understood each other magically, we had a yearning for each other. I was so happy talking to you and you were too. Countless hours talking and seeing each other, being young and in love was all we wanted.

Then we grew up, you evolved into a smart, sophisticated gorgeous lady. You became the woman we knew you would become when you were still watching Gilmore Girls. You were fierce and I admired that about you, you were my goddess.

I never changed, I just became more of a monster. I was nice to you but I wasn't to myself. Prone to self-destruction, mood swings, existential crisis and yet you loved me, you protected me and cherished my personality. You were truly the greatest person I had ever met. It was surreal what you constantly made me feel.

And yet with this perfect storm of devotion and tenderness, I messed it up. 10-year relationship, we watched each other physically grow up, you were the first to tell me when my voice broke, your lips tattooed on my chest and yet, I made you cry. I hurt you like you'd never been hurt.

I just wanted to say that I will never be anything anymore, I ruined the single most important relationship I could ever have, I miss talking to you, I miss your big eyes and your sweet smile.

I try to keep a straight face most of the time but in reality I just want to get on my knees and beg your forgiveness. I want nothing more than your gorgeous voice to penetrate my heart once again.

I am sorry Karen.

I am truly deeply sorry. I love you.