A Letter To My Ex-Boyfriend

by Desolate Apology
(United States)

Dear A... It's been over a year now. I should be over you. I shouldn't still love you. I should hate you. I should want nothing to do with you. But, I want everything to do with you. I miss you, I miss us. I wish we could restart. I want to feel your soft lips against mine. I want to hold your large hand, which fits mine perfectly. I want to lay my head on your lap. I want to rant to you about my day, about how my brother ate the last Pop Tart.

I want to explore stores with you, while I complain that I have no money. I want to hug you, I miss the way our bodies molded perfectly against one another. I want to trace the veins on your arm one last time. I want it all with you again: the intimacy, the adventures, the love, the goofiness, everything.

You were my best friend before you were mine. I told you everything. Then, you asked me out at the movie theater. I said yes, obviously. Little did I know, that would lead to our friendship being absolutely destroyed.

I can't call you when I'm upset anymore. I can't spam your phone when I'm bored. I can't hold you when we're tired. I can't hold you close to me when you feel insecure. I can't kiss you when you're unsure of my feelings towards you. I can't love you, not the way I want to.

Now, I love you from afar. I see you in everybody I talk to. I can't help but compare everybody to you. He doesn't have your eyes. He doesn't like your type of music. He doesn't have a gentle touch like you do. He doesn't have a lean, tall body like you do. He doesn't have dorky, yet cute braces. He doesn't have your smile. He doesn't have your style. He doesn't have your voice. He is not you. They are not you. They will never compare to you.

You were my first love. And you ruined me. I am so sorry that I was not good enough for you. I'm sorry that I'm still hung up on you. I'm sorry that you felt the need to cheat on me. I'm sorry that I wouldn't give you what you wanted, I still haven't figured out what it was that you wanted, because I gave you everything I possibly could.

This isn't as much of an apology letter as it is closure, for me. You won't see this. I will never grow the guts I need to send this to you. I will never talk to you again, because I must protect myself from future heartbreak. I'm sorry that I love you, maybe one day you will understand my heartbreak, which you have caused.

I love you, but I need to stop. I need to stop loving you because at this point, I'm breaking my own heart.

It's been a year. I should be over you. How am I not over you?

Whenever I feel like I'm over you, I see you. And I get a glimpse into your eyes, and I remember everything we used to do together. And again, I'm hooked on you. Yes, that easily. Just like when we first met, I was hooked.

I'm sorry for not being pretty enough, intimate enough, understanding enough, or whatever it is that I wasn't good enough at. I hope you can forgive me for not being good enough.

You still have my heart,
C.